The Scientist

As much as The Reluctant Scientist wants to, its time for her to become The Scientist. She has been putting in alot of time in the lab. And hence the almost zero number of blog entries.

So dear readers (if there is any :p), you dun have to come here regularly for updates. I will post but probably once in a blue moon. Come and check my blog if u think of me once in a while. But let's catch up through other means.

I am missing him right now

We have been apart for 10 months now. By the time he comes back for CNY, we will be separated for a year.

My friend ask whether it's hard. Yeah, it sucks. We have given up alot for this wretched PhD. And we are too deep in it (sh-IT) to get out.

I miss waking up with him in the mornings. Running my hand through his messy hair. Feeling his ticklish morning stubble (Stubble: Short, rough surface of beard.). I miss his snores at night. I miss the deep, sleepy voice that says " Baby, I love you " before falling into a deep slumber.

Last New Year's eve, we had steamboat for dinner at home. After that, we strolled out into the winter night. It started to snow :) and we made our way to the nearest coffee joint for a warm cup of coffee. We stood by the windows and watched people pass us by. It was cold and the windows misted from the inside. I wrote on the window- I love U. He wrote- Ditto.

The night ended with a round of fireworks by the harbour.

This year, I am spending the festive season jingle bell-ing with the cells in the lab. Sigh.

有一个男人对我说，找女朋友要找耐看的，不能找 chio 的。

Hmmp. 那就去找个丑八怪吧。每天早上起床， 都会有不一样的惊喜/吓。

我同意，找男朋友也要找耐看的，不能找帅的。:p

这样， 我们在一起，惊喜才会一箩筐。

讨厌， 人家生来就是如此，谁叫我遗传了我老爸的特征(大脸).

好了,现在我在为芝麻绿豆的小事发牢骚, 证明我的心情已经好转. 试验还是多方面受阻 （每天都有一种想骂粗话的感觉）, 不过, 我也已经认命了. 虽然还不能说明天会更好, 至少我相信明年会更好吧.

哈哈。

A whole lot of shit

For the last 3 days, I have been going to the toilet quiet often. I don't have diarrhea though. But I have been 'unloading' alot of shit (nicely formed ones, for the record :p).

Didn't know I kept so much shit in me. Mayb because i have been taking in alot of shit recently and not unloading them. I think the shit trigger came on wednesday. My boss kept repeating over and over again that 'It's useless if u dun noe how to explain. Means u dun know, means u dun understand a single thing. Useless.' I said to him ' I am not useless'. It's a known fact, students come to his lab to become stupid. Okay, putting this point aside, i tink this was the final straw.

Took a day off away from the lab. Can't he see that I am putting in effort communicating with him and trying hard to reach his standards? Fine. I will continue working hard, for myself. Cos he does not appreciate student's efforts in trying.

Then i started to unload alot of shit in me. So i guess that is quiet a good sign. Well, at least for my digestive system. Gek too much not good for health.

I wonder if he knows

Having a boss that tells u day in day out that u cannot make it, u dun noe enough, u dun noe a single thing, u r useless cos u dun noe how to explain, is not helpful or encouraging. Especially when my degree depends on whether he wans to give me or not.

He has erode all my confidence away.

I wonder if he knows that he did not inspire his students to enjoy science.

When I first came to this lab, there were 4 other students. I wonder if he knows that he gave 3 of these students depression. One left, one hung on (it's still not over) and another hanging on but has never returned to the lab since months ago. The only one who was okay was because she worked on his only favourite project.

There are only 2 students coming in regularly now. Me and another guy. He has also given me the same thing.

He has wrecked people's minds and people's lives. I am trying hard not to let him wreck mine.

I wonder if he knows the reason why his lab has not attracted any new students for a long, long time.

Yet another despondent entry

It's official. And I am trying to live with it.

The 3 craziest things that I have done in my life are:

1. To do a PhD.
2. To do a PhD in molecular biology.
3. To do a PhD in molecular biology under The Agency.

Sometimes, the craziest decisions are also the dumbest decisions.

... I have nothing to say for myself...

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Okay, okay, I am picking myself up already...

No lucky stars to thank leh

Here I am, typing away. It's approaching 9pm and I am still in school. I have been in school since 7 am today and it has been like this for the last few weeks.

It wasn't an easy month for me. A month for me to get over the fact that I am still very inexperience in experimental techniques, inadequate in my field of knowledge and I have very little time left. Prof's scolding never really got to me for the past 3 years. I wonder why it only hit me now. It hit hard cos I I knew I was at the verge of crashing.

So now, I am left with no ego. Everything learn from scratch again.

I've checked my Chinese horoscope. There are no lucky stars for me this year. (Yes, that means none for all born in the year of the monkey). Na-dah. Kosong. Zitch. "Much effort but may all go to waste." "Much difficulties with little help." "Not a good year for marriage." "Beware of accidents." "Career stagnant." Okay, enough. I get the picture. I'm screwed.

I made a desperate attempt to give myself some hope. Checked next year's horoscope. There are 3 lucky stars for me. Yeah!! Granted that they are not the lucky stars governing career or studies. But, they are pretty high up there in terms of status among the lucky stars. (Details on these I can tell u next time. Sometimes I tink its better for me to tell fortune or do fengshui. Phd for wat? Puit.)

Now I can only try to increase my luck. I am wearing a four leaf clover pendant now. And my handphone hangs a four leaf clover pendant. Earlier this year, my mum gave me a four leaf clover for my car keys. And BJ's mum gave me a string of jade Chinese horoscope animals (Dragon, snake, mouse) (These are the animals which will bring me luck) to help me along the way.

Now, I jus have to go find some scientific evidence for these. Ha.

The matchstick girl

It's been a week since my Prof asked me to "tink about my project". Cos he "knows what to do, but because I am going to be a PhD, he does not want to spoon-feed me. I must tell him what the next experiment is."

*Roll eyes*.

I lay on my couch all day today doing what he wants me to do. Seriously, I have been tinking about it the whole week. I have some theories but I anticipate that whatever my theories are, he will be able to spot a loophole and my theories will come crumbling down.

Sigh. Keep trying. Next.

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I weighed myself today. I am 44 kg. This is the lightest I have ever gotten since I reach my full height of 1.56cm. I have reduce my jogging to once per week. Ate more during lunch. Made sure i eat my Ben's and Jerry's. Have proper dinners. Still, Im shedding like Momo is shedding fur now. I dun wan to lose my boobs *scream*. Stress is the best way to lose weight and your boobs. Reluctant scientist certified.

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She did it again. I went to the hairdresser who likes to cut my fringe real short. With specific instructions not to cut it short, jus T-R-I-M, she trimmed it. Short. Argh.

My face is round again due to my short fringe. And with my skinny body, I look like a matchstick.